chess online
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The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." |
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A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --. Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following: In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register. In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy. In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.' In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure. In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch. In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to KMart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. In your 90's & beyond: What's a bundings ? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted? |
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The Frog A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says. "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are..) |
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-Rodney Dangerfield. |
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Bartender says it's $50 & it will kick your ass. Guy lays down $50 & bartender fills a huge mug with all kinds of alcohol. Guy downs it quick & walks out. He comes back the next night & says "what was that, I was blowing Chunks all night" Bartender says I'm sorry you got sick. Guy says I wasn't sick, Chunks is my dog |
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onepocket, too much, but still funny! |
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the doctor says "well I can clearly see you're nuts" |
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Great ones guys |
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*groan before you read it* the doc asks what the problem is 'it's my eyesight doctor, I just don't seem to be able to see very far' doc takes him onto the balcony and asks if guy can see the moon, he nods that he can 'well' says the doc, 'how far do you want to see?' |
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www.youtube.com |
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-Henny Youngman |
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nice one captain, so simple yet so funny "No son, you will have turkey like all of us." |
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Sure the witchdoctor says, but you have to tell me exactly how the spell went. Man tells him: I herewith pronounce you husband and wife. |
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Nothing, you already told her twice. -Okay, I know, calm down everyone... It was just a joke; not condoning violence here, just think it's a pretty funny joke... settle down. |
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'Cause there's a clock on the stove. |
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pennsylvaniadan 19-Dec-12, 17:25 |
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Because he was shellfish. -Thank you, I'll be here all week. |
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Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" ... Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister. "The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ... Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The Mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father." |
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because they want to |
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You made her chain too long. |
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What do you do when your mother in law Shoot again! |
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Put a nipple on it. |
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Because they think men care. |
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