AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
A little Marine Corps Humor
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. " Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fxxkin' ear."
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.
Guns and Doctors...
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
Now think about this:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188
Statistics courtesy of the FBI. So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, Guns don't kill people, doctors do!
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than as by a gun owner!
Now if you have more than one doctor, You're just sh** out of luck!
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!
Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
Children Are Quick
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: Kathy, go to the map and find North America ..
Kathy: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Adela, what is the chemical formula for water?
Adela: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
Adela: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?
GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Harriette, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
Harriette: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
Harriette: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Diane, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Diane: A teacher.
Herd of cows,
A Flock of chickens,
A School of fish
And a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
A Pride of lions,
A Murder of crows
(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
An Exaltation of doves
And, presumably because they look so wise:
A Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not... A Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
That pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington !
You just can't make this stuff up.
(And we keep re-electing these baboons!!)
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM...AND HOW HE DID IT
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.