How to become an internet Chess Master.
How to Become an Internet Chess Master
by Robert T. Touhey
Being an Internet Chess Master gives my life meaning!
Let's take stock. Your job is a sad joke. Your woman (if you've even got one) is about as good looking as Saddam Hussein. Your best friend is your PC. And, worst of all, any ten-year-old school-kid can kick your butt at chess.
In short, you are finally starting to suspect what everybody has been telling you for years � that you are a complete loser.
My pathetic pal, not to worry, there is hope.
You can give your life meaning by becoming an Internet Chess Master!
By simply following the few steps outlined in this article, you can prop up that sagging, flabby ego, improve your worthless self-worth, and become a hero not only in your own mind, but in the virtual world as well.
Step One: Discard All Morals
It is glaringly obvious (to you), that as you lose nine out of ten chess games you play on the Internet, your opponents are cheating.
Who do those dirty punks think theyare dealing with? Are you going to let them get away with this?
Of course you are not!
In fact, with very little thought on your part, you will have no trouble convincing yourself that it is your moral duty, your ethical obligation, to out-cheat those low-life rats! As you fire-up Fritz in the background, fancy yourself �The Chess Avenger,� regaining the stolen rating points of the weak, downtrodden fools who actually make their own moves.
Second, it is again obvious (to you), that if you had actually bothered to read any of those chess books you bought some months (or years?) ago, you could easily beat anyone. (Secretly, you know you are a genius.) Right now, however, you just don't have the time to waste on such stupidity. You have other problems to worry about. Like your rotten job, your rotten girlfriend, and those rotten Internet chess cheats.
Finally, if, in the unlikely event, any last moral qualms tickle you, just remember that it is only Internet chess, so who gives a flying hoot anyway?
Step Two: Buy the Strongest Chess Program You Can Afford
This, my felonious friend, is the very heart, the key, the indispensable crux of your Internet Chess Mastership. In fact, without it, you are nothing.
Don't shortchange yourself with a second-rate, or, worse still, free, chess engine. No, you owe it to yourself to cheat with the best!
Beg, borrow, steal it, but get it. Today!
Step Three: Learn to Juggle
The Internet Chess Master must be able to switch back and forth between programs with lightning speed. Fundamental operations such as a game copy, paste, analyze� are little more than second-nature. All this requires practice.
If you are slow-of-hand, try mousercises. Like a concert pianist, crack your knuckles to warm-up. Knock back an espresso or two. Do whatever it takes to cheat well.
Remember: the chess engine may be calculating the moves, but you, as Internet Chess Master, must input them. To cheat well, you must cheat accurately.
Keep in mind the Six C's: The Computer Chess Cheat is Calm, Cool, and Collected. You should not be some clumsy geek fiddling with Fritz, Notepad, and Winboard, half-assed stumbling to a few sleazy wins. Rather, imagine yourself as Mr. Spock, stolidly seated at his console, a model of logical efficiency, saving the Enterprise from certain doom.
Swift-of-finger, slow-of-mind, pointlessly treacherous, the Internet Chess Master is the button-pusher par excellence.
Step Four: The Name Game
Having divested yourself of any pesky morals, acquired an artificial brain, and learned to make multiple programs dance like trained fleas, are you all set to claw your way to an Internet Chess Master's rating?
No, my eager cheater, you are not. You need a name. Far from the simple matter it seems, the true Internet Chess Master must carefully carve his handle.�
By the way, immediately jettison any fool idea of using your real name. Not only would this be a crass violation of Internet etiquette. (something of an oxymoron), but just imagine what a jackass you'd look if caught at something as childishly stupid as Internet chess cheating.
No, in order to best cloak yourself in the anonymity of the net, you need a falsie. Think about it: you're not using your own brain, so why use your own name?
Now, as any netizen will condescendingly inform you, there are basically three styles available to you. First, is the regular guy approach, e.g. Joe Wood Pusher, in opposition to which is the great man tag, e.g. Joe Genius. Both of these methods are, however, prosaic and of little interest to the true aficionado of chessic cheatery.
The mark of the Internet Chess Master is sly subterfuge, tinged with a sneering mockery. Ponder, for example, the connotative slap of Cheetah Boy, or the double pun of Silly Con Player. Now these are names an Internet Chess Master can stand, and hide, behind.
Step Five: Clockwork Hilarity
The final polish of the Internet Chess Master (as opposed to some part-time wanna-be putz) is the prepared insult file. This little gem, stored simply in Notepad, is a list of insults for each and every chessic occasion. Once again, all you need do is copy and paste, avoiding the fuss and muss of original thought.
Now, I ask you, amid the heat of entering in the computer's moves and smugly laughing at your opponent's predicament, will you be further able to think up witty, off-the-cuff repartee or hurl stinging verbal digs? I think not.
For example, you have chased your hapless opponent's king out into the open, and a classic king-hunt ensues. What insults have you at hand? OK, you might type in, AHa. You are lost, jerk,� but this is in very poor style.
If, however, you had cleverly prepared an insult file, you could have pasted in, Hope your king has a passport, buddy ? because he's going on a trip. Bon Voyage!�
Or, again, if your unsuspecting adversary drops a pawn, you could drop a bomb on him with, �Pawns for free, fresh off the board! Get'em while theyare hot!�
But these wicked witticisms are of the pre-fab variety. Just like your chess, no original thought is required.
Interview with an Internet Chess Master
A couple of years back (when I still wasted time on Internet chess) it was my habit to warm-up with a few unrated games before risking my lowly 1800. On one occasion, a player rated in excess of 2300 condescended to take me on. Very strange to relate, but for three games running I did to him what Mike Tyson would do to Woody Allen in a street fight. The following conversation ensued.
Bob: Are you letting me win?
Flaming Skull of Checkmate: No.
Bob: But you are 500 points higher than me.
Flaming Skull of Checkmate: On rated games I use a chess program.
Bob: Isn't that cheating?
Flaming Skull of Checkmate: No, everyone does it.
Bob: I don't.
Flaming Skull of Checkmate: That's why your score is so low. You are an idiot.
Indeed, I must be. You see, I am not an Internet Chess Master. I am just an ordinary chess player who thinks for himself. Oh, yes, and a conscientious reporter.
position the computer recommends, it is no longer your game. LOL, every game I have lost, I
lost with dignity...it was my poor chessmanship, not just an inferior computer!
Why there are no major tournaments on internet with big cash and trophies?
Inet Chess Master
On the internet there is no big cash,but there is "sizable" cash to win and plenty of trophies.There is also a national tourney on the internet that brings in sizable cash(not huge amounts,but fairly sizable) and is considered "big".
What am I speaking of?Tourneys through the USCF online,not OTB.
The Golden Knights Tournament,brings in $1000 to the first place winner,$600 to the second place winner and so on.The Victor Palciauskas Tourney(7 player section)brings in a $130 and a certificate to the first place winner and you can enter as many of those as you want with a modest entry fee.Plus there is all kinds of trophy and certificate wins through the USCF.Yes,its not big bucks like the major OTB tourneys,but then a couple of hundred bucks extra in my pocket,like I won a few years ago is not be be laughed at either.Check any USCF link for more info.