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                 First call me John not Peter, Peter is my dads name and I was christened the same at the insistence of my gran, but My parents wanted John so to keep the peace,,,,

Ooh ya bugger! At 18 I memorised the whole of MCO.11(modern chess openings) cover to cover(update-I had to play the moves out on a board in order to remember them, physically seeing them not remember the text verbatim, now days at lot of postions feel like deja vu), 30 years later I'm still playing(obviously) but just for fun. Favorite openings, any I win with. My favorite books are "Fischer-Spassky Move by Move" by Larry Evans & Ken Smith; I was thirteen at the time and got totally turned on by the press coverage. " The Complete Book of Gambits" by Raymond Keene & "Modern Chess Openings" now up to issue 14, Plus every issue of "CHESS" from Sutton Coldfield by Baruch H Wood, I met the man himself on several occasions at the shop under the arches in Sutton - Nice bloke the tweed wearing country looking type quite tall and lean, What you learn from every issue by doing the problems and reading about the mystique of of Legendary players is priceless. No team malarkey or blitz, my brain don't work that fast anymore. Advice to newbie's please try fools or scholars mates on me, some other tips on what you should try would be: never move your queen into the open to soon you'll need her later. Always get your king out at the earliest opportunity, a static king is easy to hit get him moving in the middle of the board. Allow your opponent to capture your king and queen pawn early on, he cant take his own pawns and they will block his attack on your centre. After cunningly blocking the centre with your opponents pawns concentrate on getting your rooks out early by moving your A and H pawns to get your rooks out, there really powerful and far better than the puny horses, only use those as sacrifice fodder or cat food. Once you've managed to get him to block the centre and advanced your rooks concentrate on moving you king into action, remember he's really powerful and can move in any direction, a good King always leads from the front to inspire his men and the same goes for chess. More hot tips for newbie's to follow shortly.......
.....the following from a satisfied punter, proof indeed:

Hello, beefyness!
I really enjoyed reading your profile. I am very ordinary at chess. Your tip about mobilising the King is amazing. I played one game on GK where it looked as if I was going to loose. I was forced to move my king and started picking off pawns and other pieces. And you are totally correct, I was able to protect my king by using my opponents king and queen pawns! I think my opponent was baffled (Not half as baffled as me!!!..Beefyness) and dismayed that I was moving my king all over the place, I definitely confused her. Then I won, against the odds, it had liiked at one stage! Please write more tips if you can, I will look for the game in which I used my king a lot and study it again.
T** N****

The opening I hate most as black and never win against is..........eer, wot was it now humm, sounded like the Hitler gambit where black is forced to defend on two fronts or something like that, and gets royally trashed, ill have to look it up and get back to you on it...........

I accept no responsibility for any anguish, loss of hair, foot lice or any known affliction involving a wide mouth frog for following my advice.

The picture could possibly be me six million years ago but is actually my arch nemesis Cheekovit Monkovich, a regular top of the table candidate, his specialty is the SBD gambit, particularly when in difficult positions ;-/

Why don't chimps play chess. Evolution is a series of deformities. An ape was probably born with deformed hips compared to its pears, it would have found climbing trees more difficult than other apes and so would his offspring, these apes would have however found looking over tall grass for pr editors its forte and so could exploit food in areas other apes would be to wary to move into. the upright apes would have moved away from the tree apes, and therefore not competed for the same food resources and would therefore not have killed each other. The upright apes living in open weather worn spaces would have come across flat rocks at convenient hights to rest there elbows on, and then one day while contemplating life the universe and everything, the vision of 64 squares. The tree apes however found it really difficult to balance flat rocks on branches and never had the inspiration.

Other thoughts: I think Chess players are natural night stalkers, mornings are never conducive to good thinking, in fact thinking is painful before 2pm, then only simple thoughts like breathing, food, drink, one foot in front of the other etc Things not to take before a chess match: 1. Viagra, makes concentrating very hard. 2. Advice from me :) Things to give your opponent before the match: 1. A Viagra or two, more the better. 2. Advice from me :)) Favorite chess players 1. Jos' Ra'l Capablanca the most romantic player and all round good egg. 2. Robert James Fischer, most exciting player but probably smells of rotten egg nog and dog poo.

One point about the rating system here, don't for one minute think your rating is anything like an ELO, I would think its at least 550 points higher possibly more, being able to use opening books and reference databases with programs like chessbase & Chess Assistant makes you feel like a Grandmaster, and don't forget the Game DB at the bottom of the Gameknot screen. Playing correspondence chess( e.g online e.t.c) is a bit like watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire at home and knowing the answers, where as OTB chess is being the guy in the chair and not knowing the answers, only with chess the pressure is ten fold, trust me if you have never played club chess or taken part in a congress you should try it just the once to find out what bad nerves and nail biting stress is really like. I seriously doubt age fifty I could sit in the hot seat again opposite some super sharp teenager who still remembers everything without the aid of a book.

Even more thoughts: A Chess epiphany is when you realise you really are up poo creek without a paddle or even a boat for that matter, but if its accompanied by a tingling sensation flashing lights and a warm glowing feeling then you've probably just had sex and where nowhere near a chess board, or maybe you where on it and all the pieces have gone left right and center and now you can't remember the position cos you can't read your own writing being a doctor and all, and in the frenzy one of the bishops has got stuck up your sphincter and Christ you got to resign quickly so you can get to the bathroom and tug it out with some pliers(it's a very big bishop) so your wife wont see it when you get home!

And another thing, if the option to cancel a postponement comes up I'll cancel it, you can't be playing and cancelled at the same time, not in my book anyway. Don't let the game time out neither, better to resign it will look better on your chess CV. I'll never time out, unless I'm dead of course, or in hospital and nearly dead, or not quite dead but stuck in a lift on a trolley being pushed by a porter who looks dead after years of tedium pushing trolleys with people who aren't quite dead on them, or maybe I never made it to the hospital, the ambulance while taking a short cut down a mysterious and deserted country track, careered into the trees trying to avoid a rabbit that was probably already dead, and what's more no one can see us in the dense undergrowth and the medic attending me is trapped under the gurney I'm on and dead mad about it, and the driver is pretending to be dead, thinking he can say 'April fool ' to hide his embarrassment (even though it's May 15th ) when rescuers eventually find us, which will probably be too later to stop my games from timing out. So unless that happens!!!

the thing about inevitable things is that inevitably you get them weather you like it or not:QED

I have five reasons for not accepting challenges:

1, you have no name in your profile ( I like to know who I'm playing, which isn't to much to ask is it!)
2, you have no age in your profile ( also nice to know)
3, you are hiding your online status ( irritates me)
4, you are not a paid up subscriber (pay to play)
5, your time per move is to slow for a personal challenge. ( it's up to you how fast you play, but I don't have to play you if your a slow player, I excpect half a dozen moves a day at least for a personal challenge)

I recieve some odd messages:
(hellrazor age 17) "you shouldn't memerize openings just play :P"
(beefyness reply) "It is said that the insane are touched by God and there for Blessed. The inane however are rated under 1400 and therefore buggerd."

...and now, Some of my favourite quotes:

a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

God bless those pagans.

Here's to alcohol: The source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do.

if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen

Trying is the first step towards failure.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

They have the Internet on computers, now?

This perpetual motion machine you made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster.

What do I need a psychiatrist for? I know I'm nuts.

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Wisdom:
Naucia, recognise that feeling of being sick in the pit of your stomach before you make a bad move instead of after you've made that bad move.

29Sept09 don't play OTB openings. discipline yourself and stick to main lines. you have all the time in the world to test out anything you haven't seen before, not sure stop and triple test your ideas, don't go with gut instinct there's no need, remember this is not OTB you can touch a piece and move it without being committed to it. its just a case of altering your mind set. download opponents games(first thing I did with you) and look for there habits and weaknesses e.g. what they don't seem to do to well against discard any games with opponents rated less than 2000 they will be riddled with errors. and if you really want a conundrum download Cyrano's games and see if you can make his openings work for you! I have also down loaded every game for the top one hundred for reference, you will soon notice the rigid adherence to mainlines and almost suicidal result if you go offline to soon, notice Sicilian najdorf and Ruy Lopez rule. I also download TWIC to stay on top of latest GM games. It all about commitment and discipline, effort and good research will win games. Google is very under rated and wiki is an excellent source of reference for the idea's behind an opening. Other than that I can offer no magic bullet other than self control.

Fischer is still alive!! he must be for he would have surely beaten death at a game of chess.