How to avoid looking like a fool in chess:
0. Do not play like me.
1. If someone gives you check, do not
ask: "Will my bank accept it?"
2. You won't avoid losing pawns by
glueing them to the board.
3. A double pawn is not the result of
a pawn promotion.
4. Do not call your King "President",
even if you live in a democracy.
5. The ELO-Rating does not show
how much of a fan your opponent is
of the Electric Light Orchestra.
6. Do not say "Rest in Pieces", if you
have won a match.
7. Stealing a pawn at an unattended
board while walking by is not "en pas-
8. If your opponent says "Your piece is
hanging", he does not mock you!
9. Do not shout "Zugzwang" if your
King has no squares to avoid
10. A discovered attack has yet to be
11. You can't reload a position if you
messed it up.
12. You are not allowed to use a chess
engine, even if you are a mechanic.
13. Double Chess does not mean you
play two boards simultaniously.
14. You won't receive extra thinking time
if you time out.
15. You cannot use three Knights from
the start with the argument "but there
were three musketeers".
16. If you lost a game, don't tell your friends
how the referee must have been bribed.
17. Rook is not short for Rookie.
18. Placing a piece on the border of two
squares is not a "Zwischenzug".
19. A smothered mate is not a dead guy
from Great Britain.
20. Your openings do not need the help
of a conferencier.
21. If you sacrifice a piece, do not dedicate
the sacrifice to Jupiter.
22. If you happen to meet a Grandmaster,
do not ask him which cult he leads.
23. A draw offer is not a proposition for a
shoot-out in front of Miss Kitty's Saloon.
24. Possible World Champions are called
candidates, not candy dates.
25. In chess, you are allowed to beat your
opponent, but not to hit him.
26. GK will not promote your team captain
to team major.
27. Chess clubs are not blunt weapons.
28. One gambit is one gambit. One million
gambits are not one megagambit.
29. Don't ask your opponent to confess his
plans to your Bishop.
30. It does matter if there is Black or White.
You are not Michael Jackson.
31. Calling your opponent "idiot" three times in a
row will not enforce a draw by three-fold repetition.
32. You also won't get a draw if only *you* have
insufficient material to mate.
33. Having a parrot recite book moves is not
considered the Bird Opening.
34. OTB does not mean that you hold your Queen
above the board until you need her.
35. An exchange student does not necessarily
study chess tactics.
36. Always remember the subtle difference between
the King's Gambit and a king "gambit".
~Most Important: Forget everything you read before with the exception of 0. (Do NOT play like me.)