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                 Picture : Chess preparation for Hastings

20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

1. at lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars see if they slow down.
2. page yourself over the intercom don't disguise your voice.
3. every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. in the memo field of all your checks, write "< b> for sexual favours" .
7. finish all your sentences with < b> "in accordance with the prophecy".
8. don't use any punctuation.
9. as often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. sing along at the opera.
13. go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme?
14. put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, rock bottom.
17. when the money comes out the atm, scream "i won! i won!"
18. when leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives they're loose!"
19. tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. Jump in the air as high as you can, when you land if parts of your body are still moving you need to go on a diet.

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair - after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last..
The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.