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 Multi purpose insult
It's 6:00pm now .......
and they still haven't responded!
I'm now starting to think I've wasted a stamp
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Good one Aussie
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
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Still going strong
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)
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Could be a pirate...
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
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If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
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haha Tripa!!!
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Ha, if you drop a crab and a pirate from a plane at 10,000 feet---which would hit the ground first?-------------Who cares------
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Oiiiiiiiii .. them are fighting words Mr Dan .. of course it would be one of "Dem Pirates" lol
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I guess you're right----the pirate would have to show the crab the way down---lol
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sad_but_true
01-Feb-13, 05:14
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Now be nice ---don't descend to my level---lol
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So I if I mention my Co Cap, u know exactly what I'm talkin about .. Dan Dan lol
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Sorry if this offends but i cant stop laughing .. neither can my kids .. My little girl is almost 2 & shes still walking round the house saying Pop Off, Pop Off, Pop Off!! Haha Gold!!
Sorry but ur guna have to copy and paste it into ur Web Browser
www.facebook.com
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mrmarmalade
20-Feb-13, 18:55
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Two hearses are driving down the road slowly with a man & a dog walking behind them.
About 20 men are in single file behind the man & the dog.
A guy on the side of the road takes notice & asks the man "what's going on?"
The man says his wife is in the first hearse. The dog bit her & she died.
His mother in law is in the second hearse. The dog bit her & she died.
The guy asks "can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line"
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Great one onepocket
Did not see that one coming
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pennsylvaniadan
22-Feb-13, 04:49
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A foursome was on the 9th green of the local Country Club when a funeral procession passed them on the road going past the course. One of the players took off his hat and stood quietly until the procession has passed. One of the other players remarked, "Gee Max, that was nice of you to respect that procession!" Max said, "Ya, this September would have been our 35th Wedding Anniversary.
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Cooter & Gomer
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer
hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and
fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. They were
inseparable.
Cooter arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup,
he's pretty well burnt up, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley.
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two ass-holes."
"What! He had two ass-holes?" exclaimed the mortician.
"Yup, we never actually seen'em but everybody used to say, 'There's Stanley
with them two ass-holes.'"
Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Obama administration as development and strategy consultants.
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I would think that Cooter and Gomer could more likely apply to the NRA, but not all jokes provide both a smile and a nice jab at a disliked political opponent. ...oh, yeah, I forgot; I have a reversed polarity on these matters, being from the Great White North, and all. LOL!
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I'm sure everyone is already aware of this but there is actually only one 'blond joke'. The rest are true.
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some of this will be lost due to the asterisks but I'll give it a go anyway (Jas may know this one - it's a Rodney Rude special). mods feel free to delete if I've crossed the line. btw, the person in this joke doesn't have to be from J**** but that is the original version of the joke.
===
years ago, my grandfather worked with a fellow who was from J****. he hadn't been in Australia very long and grandfather noticed he seemed sad. grandfather asked him what was wrong. the guy said that he hadn't made any friends since he had been in Australia and didn't think Australians were very friendly.
"rubbish" replied my grandfather, "Australians are very friendly and we always like making new friends. it's easy to make friends in Australia, all you have to do is go to your local pub, find an Aussie bloke at the bar by himself, go up and say g'day mate and offer to buy him a beer".
needless to say the J******* fellow was extremely happy to find out that it could be that simple to make friends in this new country. so on his way home he called into his local pub. he saw an Aussie standing at the bar by himself so he walked over and said "g'day mate, can I buy you a beer?"
the Aussie looked at him and said **** off you *** ****.
===
one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard, sorry if you don't get it.
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Not sure I got it
Maybe this has to do with the asteriks or maybe I am not yet drunk enough
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yngvrr
25-Jun-13, 17:03
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A nice Chess joke from the Cuban master Jose Raul Capablanca:
"I was playing in a tournament in Germany one year when a man approached me. Thinking he just wanted an autograph, I reached for my pen, when the man made a startling announcement.... 'I've solved chess!' I sensibly started to back away in case the man was dangerous as well as insane, but the man continued: 'I'll bet you 50 marks that if you come back to my hotel room I can prove it to you.' Well, 50 marks was 50 marks, so I humored the fellow and accompanied him to his room. Back at the room, we sat down at his chess board. 'I've worked it all out, white mates in 12 no matter what.' I played with black perhaps a bit incautiously, but I found to my horror that white's pieces coordinated very strangely, and that I was going to be mated on the 12th move! I tried again, and I played a completely different opening that couldn't possibly result in such a position, but after a series of very queer-looking moves, once again I found my king surrounded, with mate to fall on the 12th move. I asked the man to wait while I ran downstairs and fetched Emmanuel Lasker, who was world champion before me. He was extremely skeptical, but agreed to at least come and play. Along the way we snagged Alekhine, who was then world champion, and the three of us ran back up to the room.
Lasker took no chances, but played as cautiously as could be, yet after a bizarre, pointless-looking series of maneuvers, found himself hemmed in a mating net from which there was no escape. Alekhine tried his hand, too, but all to no avail.
It was awful! Here we were, the finest players in the world, men who had devoted our very lives to the game, and it was all over! The tournaments, the matches, everything - chess had been solved, white wins."
About this time Capablanca's friends would break in, saying "Wait a minute, I never heard anything about all this! What happened?"
"Why, we killed him, of course."
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And who says that chess isn't funny! Well done yngvrr
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Mr M
You are doing good..
We have no notice's of abuse or bullying..LOL!!
See told you it would be cool on OUR CLUB!!
Keep up the stirring..i think we all love your work.
Thanx
Fred
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mrmarmalade
29-Jun-13, 08:12
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yngvrr - that is a great joke! had me chuckling away. I told it to my (non-chess interested wife) and I barely got a raised eyebrow. definitely one for the chess-afflicted.
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